June 5, 2012

I guess this is growing up.

As a child, I used to wonder what it would feel like to be a grown-up. I imagined there was a specific day or time that I would become an adult and that the change would be obvious to me and everyone around me.

What I've found in my brief 21 years is that growing up is not an event, but a process. I've also realized that others your age don't always mature along with you, and sometimes people don't notice when you've done a little internal "maturing."

It is hard for me to find friends that can relate to my situation. A lot of friends I used to be close with are now more like acquaintances. One of my closest friends and I recently reconnected and I've noticed that we get along so well now. I wonder if that is because now she is engaged and we have more common ground, understanding what it's like to be a young woman who has promised herself to one man. I know that can be hard for some of my single friends to get.

Back to people not noticing the maturing you may have done--in the past, I wasn't a great friend. I wasn't always nice to people I thought I was better than or smarter than. I was, in short, a bia-bia. While it could be argued that some of my bitch-characteristics still remain (road rage, the evil eye, etc), I know that I have made incredible progress with my attitude. I have begun to learn the fine art of "letting it be" and not needing to speak my opinion in every situation. It can hurt me to find out that some people from my past still think of me negatively or assume I never changed. Even worse when someone tries to use a past action of mine as a way to demean the person I am today.

Above all else, things just don't get to me the way they used to. No longer do I want to throw the hamburger at the Wendy's employee when they put pickles on it (yes, I did) or stare down a girl I don't like when I see her at WalMart. In the past, I thought it was honorable to always be yourself and show every emotion you felt.

Now that I'm growing up, I realize that excessive negativity is unattractive, consuming, and unproductive.  It's also a cycle. One negative thought (she shouldn't be wearing those shorts in public!) leads to another (And she must really need attention if she wears that low cut top) and another (I bet she's trashy and has 6 kids with different fathers). I'm definitely not saying I'm a saint. I just try to be aware of what comes out of my mouth, because things that seem harmless enough to say can come back and bite you. It's important for me to try and be a good role model for my daughter, because negativity fosters more negativity. If she hears me complaining all the time about my weight, friends, or long lines, I can expect the same behavior from her.

I sat down to write this blog and wasn't sure what I would write about. I guess this issue has really been on my mind lately. Sorry there wasn't any humor, and definitely no recipes, but maybe you know Debra a little better now.


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