July 2, 2012

Dad, don't read this: When sex is NOT gonna happen, the mother/wife/live-in girlfriend guide

There are so many times in life when sex will happen. If there's a will, there's a way. But friends, let a married mother tell you from hard-knock experience: there are times when sex will be no more a reality than James Franco giving you a foot massage. Just to clarify, I would equate that with anti-reality. As in, that's never going to happen. Sorry, feet.

Sex is not going to happen...

*After he has been working all day, has not showered and/or is still wearing sawdust-covered clothing with sweat stains
*After you just suggested he not eat that 3rd honeybun because remember, aren't we trying to be healthy?
*When you're not on your period, but "sure as hell act like you are"
*During an important sporting event/ TV show/ video game (Darn you, PS3)
*When he wants to talk about your long hairs that keep clogging the drain (that he unclogs)
*After he holds his stomach and says "I think Mickey D's gave me the BGs (bubble guts) again."
*When your mom is literally in the next room and laughing loud enough to make you feel like she is right   there with you
*In the middle of a huge fight that involves you calling his parents...sexy
*When you're 9 months pregnant and you yell, "I think I lost my mucous plug, that means we need to have sex to induce the labor!" Uhh, no
*When you're wearing your Catwoman suit for Halloween (even though you might really want to, the suit itself will prevent sexual relations)
*When you're secretly wearning Spanx under your sexy dress ("Yeah, okay...just let me go to bathroom first...")
*When there is a small, snoring 2 year old nestled between you in bed

Obviously, you will encounter many situations when sex will not have a chance. These moments used to be the bane of my existance. Now? Well, actually, I hate them still. I do my best to avoid these scenarios and use the tried-and-true seduction techniques that landed us Molly. We all have to be good at something, right?

Dad, I told you not to read this. I apologize for the graphic information now clogging your brain and making you wish you had listened to me and just not read it.

Oh, how do you guys like the new page? I edited it this morning, and I think it looks more "me." Because a lot of people say I resemble tie-dye and dandelions.

Love forever,
 Debra Delightful

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