January 25, 2013

Forget everything I said before.

About quitting smoking, I mean.

From January 14-today, the 25th, I have considered quitting smoking to be easy. A cinch. No problem. This is because I was using an electronic cigarette to curb my nicotine cravings and keep me from smoking. In other words, I quit cigarettes, not nicotine.

I told anyone that would listen that the electronic cigarette I had now was the last one I would buy. That I only hit it a few times a day anyway, and that I wasn't worried about when the thing would finally quit on me. I welcomed it, even. Can't wait for it to die so I can really get healthy, I said.

Today, when I went to take my first puff off the e-cig around 12:30PM (after bragging that I had waited so late in the day), my mouth nearly drooling at the prospect, something awful happened.
Something terrible, awful, and heart-wrenching happened.
The little light at the tip of my pseudo-cigarette started blinking...the amount of vapor suddenly diminished...and the thing died on me. Without even letting me give it one last little puff, a friendly "Good bye" drag, nothing. Okay, I wanted to quit smoking, so I did. And then I started using these things, which isn't as bad, but it's still not great. I get that. I just feel like it was so sudden. I feel like nicotine has just decided to never call me after the wonderful time we spent together, or worse, like it's breaking up with me over text or IM. Is this karma? Nicotine, don't you love me anymore?

I love to make connections, so this is the analogy I have for quitting nicotine and cigarettes:
Quitting smoking is like childbirth.
You know you have to do it, but really dread it.
You embarrass yourself by acting crazy, cursing more than usual and saying "Give me drugs!" a lot.
Your husband doesn't want to be in the same room when it's happening, but will because, well, he has to.
Video cameras are strictly prohibited when it's happening, because I don't look good in hospital gowns or addict-mode (Maybe I'll just drive to market and get a pack. NO. I can't! Oh my God, should I just go and get it over with. Why aren't you stopping me!? I almost made a huge mistake! Do you want to ride with me though? Because I think I need just one).

So, I realize that now the true test begins. Now I will see if I (and my marriage, lol) have the determination to stand up to real, live nicotine withdrawls. Let the headaches, cleaning frenzies, and attitudes begin! Raise your hand if you're glad you don't live with me. Guard your face and genitals if you do.

Love,
Mom

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