The Art of Appearing to be in Control
Featured in the Smithville Review 10/3/12
Being a young wife and mother has taught me a lot of things,
and one of the most useful is the art of appearing to be in control. The fact
is, you will never truly be “in control”, so you have to master looking like you
are. I’m willing to teach you this art if you are willing to listen.
If your child starts screaming in the grocery store, and
everyone looks at you like you’re the worst mom on the planet, start screaming
as well. Then say to the person closest to you, “I’m teaching my child the art
of primal therapy.” Suddenly, they’ll think your child is screaming because you
want them to, not because they love to embarrass you in Wal-Mart. Victory.
If you forget to bring the diaper bag when you go somewhere,
you risk looking like an un-attentive mother. But not if you say “We’re
teaching our daughter survival skills. When the zombie apocalypse comes, will
we have a diaper bag? No.” Disaster averted.
If you burn the roast (or TV dinner), say “This is no
mistake, husband.” Tell him you read in some vague magazine that the burnt bits
have healing powers and can remove toxins from your system. Instead of looking
like an absent-minded mom, you’ll look like Dr. Oz. Somewhat.
Next time your daughter gives you a “makeover” (puts bows in
your hair and applies lipgloss to your eyebrows), and you forget to remove it
before you go out in public, don’t sweat it. Hold your head up high, and to
that lady giving you The Look, say you paid $300 for this hairstyle, thank you
very much. Then ask her if she’d like you to give her your stylist’s number.
How do you appear to be large and in charge (scratch that,
just in charge) when your daughter tells you to shut up? You have a few options
here. You can
a) Say, in a scary voice, “Don’t talk to me like that.” Then
lower your eyelids to look more threatening.
b) Start counting to 3 (I don’t know why, but this is
surprisingly effective with children)
c) Praise your child and say, “Yes! Shut up is a great thing
to say! Please say it all the time!” This works because children notoriously do
the opposite of what you tell them. At least in my case.
What if your child shanks you in public? This has never
happened to me, but I did witness this at Wal-Mart about 2 years ago. The mom
didn’t hesitate. She promptly pulled up her pants, grabbed her child, and gave
him 3 solid whacks on the bottom. Was she still embarrassed that the whole
store saw her undies? Probably. Did she appear to be in control of the
situation? No doubt. I mean, I wanted to give her an award. Or a tighter belt.
One tried-and-true method of appearing to be in control:
pretend it’s opposite day. This can be applied to anything you can imagine; I
find it extremely effective when I ask a non-pregnant woman when she is due.
After I ask, if she looks angry, hurt, or confused, I yell out, “Just kidding!
It’s opposite day! I asked you, because you look the opposite of pregnant!”
See? Now, you can remain friends. Or “not” remain friends—it’s opposite day,
remember?
There are times when you will not be able to hide the fact
that you don’t have it all together. When that happens, you can still save
face. Just deny that anything happened.
Boss: “But you just sent the entire office, including me, your boss, an email about my body odor.”
You: “No, I didn’t.”
Boss: “Yes, you did. I have it right here. How can you
explain yourself?”
You: “I forgot to tell you! It’s Opposite Day!”
Want more Mother, Interrupted? Visit the blog that started
it all at www.interruptedmum.blogspot.com.
You can email me at debra.carp@yahoo.com!
